


Pain in Two Parts

by Kariachi



Category: Ben 10 Series
Genre: Angst, Ficlet Collection, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Written by a wreck for wrecks, catharsis is for the writer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 08:25:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18426768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kariachi/pseuds/Kariachi
Summary: Mental illness has a special way of making things worse.





	1. Calm

Andreas is gone and he’s been crying on and off since he’d gotten the Tennysons home.

At first all he could think about was what happened, how he could’ve changed things. If he’d done this, if he’d done that, then this innocent, affectionate person would still be there. They’d be getting him home. Everything would be alright. If he’d just been better-

Conversations played in his head that he knew he’d never have. How unprofessional Gwen was during the whole thing, refusing to actually _work with him_ when they were on the clock and dealing with people that wanted people like them dead. Not setting it aside as something to deal with when lives weren’t at stake. How Ben, their supposed leader, should’ve said something sooner than he did. Demands to know what changed with Argit, where the Erinaen that’d gutted a man for wronging him, the one that would have been right there breaking down with Gwen, had gone. (What did he do, in those months that are just so fuzzy, that made his bestfriend go away?) And he could’ve continued, but by then the migraines were so bad, thrumming behind his eyes, that he couldn’t focus on faces and names anymore.

The rest of the night was spent in the closet, curled up in the darkest bit he could find, _feelings_ circling his brain.

He deserved it (’they don’t love you’) he deserved everything (’no one could love you’) he was horrible (’evil, just like they said’) a worthless piece (’no wonder they want to hurt you’) stupid fucking shit monster (’the only reason they keep you is because you make yourself useful’)

Couldn’t even protect one victim-

Feeling-thoughts whirl through his head- faster faster faster until they’re a roar pressing down on his brain until he’s pulled up his pants and digging his nails as far into the skin as they’ll go. They’re clipped short (colorless, knowing he and Argit haven’t gotten together to paint them would’ve made him cry again if there were any tears left) and don’t break the skin, but it hurts and the harder he presses the more his emotions calm, focus on the pain in his body rather than in his mind.

He waits an hour before he goes to bed, just to see if the impresses he leaves behind bruise.

They never do.

He has a smile ready for Gwen the next day.


	2. Release

It’s been a good week, and it’s not even something big that sets him off. Rook makes an offhand comment about one of his projects, and he knows, he _knows_ , he meant nothing by it. It was innocent, no malicious intent. His brain though, that decides to see a lot of condescension.

The words swim in his head for the fifteen minutes or so until he’s alone, twisting and contorting and repeating insults and dragging up _so much_. Soon he’s raving in his thoughts, snarling about every insult- real or imagined- every argument, every betrayal he’s experienced at the hands of his friends. Growling about the way they _really_ feel about him, that they’re just using him, don’t really care-

(’Not true’ says the voice of reason in his head, just loud enough for him to feel guilty somewhere underneath all the anger ‘you _know_ they love you’)

-how much he doesn’t matter to them. He’s pacing his apartment, worried that someone will come down and see him like this, _wanting_ someone to come down and see him like this. Wanting to turn his wrath on someone, anyone. Hurt that Zed’s keeping her distance and glad that she is because he wants to kick her. Wants to make someone cringe and whine and bruise.

_Someone has to hurt._

He loves them all too much to do it. Instead he turns his feelings on the wall, slamming his fist against the stone until it’s enough, until the sting lingers like a hiss within his knuckles. Someone has to hurt, it may as well be him.

His knuckles don’t bruise.

(’Pathetic’ ‘Coward’)

He smiles when he rejoins the team.


End file.
